What The Hell Is Chris Watching Now? – DON’T F*** IN THE WOODS (2016)

**SPOILER & NSFW Warnings Up Front, Fright Fans!**

Through out the history of horror cinema, there have been many films, from the auspicious to the aspiring, that have used the directive of “Don’t” in their titles. This fraternity of fright includes such features as:

  • Don’t Torture A Duckling (1972)
  • Don’t Look Now (1973)
  • Don’t Go In The Basement (1973)
  • Don’t Go In The House (1979)
  • Don’t Go In The Woods (1981)
  • Don’t Breathe (2006) and Don’t Breathe 2 (2021)

There was such a plethora of them that Edgar Wright found it to be worthy of a mock trailer that was featured in 2007’s Grindhouse:

But in 2016, Shawn Burkett had the vision and the balls to put out a “Don’t” title that stood out of this crowd: Don’t Fuck In The Woods!

Every horror fan knows of the classic troupe of sins and vices (i.e., sex, drugs, etc.) that will make you a prime target to most killers and monsters in a horror movie. So why not just say so? The plot involves a group of college friends celebrating graduation by planning a weekend of debauchery in the woods, fueled by booze, weed, and hormones.

Our opening couple, Luke (Scott Gillespie) and Meg (Brandy Mason) get in the tent, and things become intense as a creature attacks out of the dark and mutilates them. This ended up being a bonus to the budget because Scott would be in the creature suit throughout the film!

We then meet the rest of the gang of grads, each helping to fill in some of the cliche’ archetypes we know and love. Efforts fail at first to locate Luke and Meg, but that doesn’t lessen the libidos as the sunsets. Turns out the creature is drawn by the scent of sex. Literally. And you’re not even safe to take matters into your own hands as a pervy hiker learned while spying on some of the ladies at a swimming hole.

From there, the film rolls on with an increasing body count, some fun pop culture winks and references, and as much gore as they could afford. With a runtime of just over an hour, I encourage you to check this out over on Tubi TV, especially if you are a fellow HoopToberer and need an “In The Woods” selection for your list.

If you wish to dive deeper into this one (and I do!), Shawn Burkett made a documentary about the film. The documentary is actually longer than the film and covers the controversy and issues created by going with this title.

Sadly, the documentary has only been out on the festival circuit and not available for streaming. But here’s hoping that changes soon. Because there’s also a sequel out there from 2018 that’s only on festival circuit, too! (The trailer is age restricted and only available on YouTube, or I would share it here.)

Don’t miss your chance to see this! Don’t forget to like and subscribe to this page and the podcast! Don’t forget to be a great human! And most of all . . .

DON’T FUCK IN THE WOODS!!!

Bonus Episode – HoopTober 8.0 Launch (with special guest, Cinemonster)

Make your lists and check them twice! This bonus episode of The Podcast Macabre helps kick off HoopTober 8.0 as special guest and Letterboxd challenge creator Cinemonster joins us to announce the viewing criteria for this year. Happy HoopTobering, Fright Fans!

(Update: Cinemonster’s list is live! Link below.)

HoopTober 8.0 Launch Episode: https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/podcastmacabre/Hooptober_8_Launch_Final.mp3

Cinemonster’s List and Criteria on Letterboxd: https://boxd.it/cDGlW

Episode 266 – Summer of Stephen: SECRET WINDOW, SECRET GARDEN

Summer of Stephen continues as we discuss the novella “Secret Window, Secret Garden” and the 2004 film adaptation, SECRET WINDOW.
(Poster by Chungkong Art)

Episode 266: https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/podcastmacabre/PM_Episode_266_Final.mp3

What The Hell Is Chris Watching Now? – THE GEEK (1971)

**NSFW Warning – Some graphic images included in this post.**

You know what? Looking back on it, I should have realized it as I was ordering it. Would it have changed my purchase? Probably not.

But I digress. Let me set up the story for you that lead to me watching a sasquatch sex film.

(Yes. You read that correctly. A sasquatch sex film.)

During Vinegar Syndrome’s “Halfway to Black Friday” sale a couple months back, I found this collection at 50% off:

I figured twelve genre films, potentially artsy, indie, and low budget, for the low price of $15 was a bargain. What did I have to lose? They also looked to be a bit on the sexy side, so I bought it.

It seems so obvious now, what with the cover blown up like that, prominently showing “Rated X” there. But my eyes ain’t what they use to be when looking at thumbnails on my laptop! What I thought was a collection of nearly homemade softcore genre flicks turned out to be a dozen hardcore horror films. … Oops?

The first film in the set, 1971’s The Geek, is the focus of this entry in the blog series because it genuinely had me asking myself, “What the hell am I watching??”

There are zero credits on this, so I can’t tell you who made it. Three of the uncredited cast members are listed on IMDb, but who knows who added them. Clocking in at just under an hour, The Geek starts out with the feel of a nature documentary, including a voice over and scrolling text. It made me think of The Legend of Boggy Creek that would come out a year later. Three couples take a trek into the woods, hunting for Bigfoot. Without a weapon in sight, without any obvious camping gear, the party manages to hike “about 30 miles” without any change in the lighting. (Old Hollywood joke: “What’s the difference between a studio film and a porno? The lighting!”)

From here on out, at about 10-15 minute intervals, the couples break off on their own to have some tastefully intimate relations in the realm of nature. Or, to be more honest, they go off to the grope each other and screw in the woods to the accompaniment of some laughably terrible dubbing. Seriously, I was in tears at some of it!

Around the 40-45 minute mark, we finally have a Bigfoot sighting! The make-up vaguely reminded me of how Andre The Giant looked in the classic episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man, but only if you squinted real hard and had had a few whiskeys already.

Now comes the reveal that the guys wanted to use their women as bait to lure in Bigfoot! Whether or not the women were in on this plan wasn’t fully clear, but their reluctance when Sasquatch wants to get sexy is not. The piecemeal costume allowed the actor fairly easy access to engage in what the makers of this production deemed to be the mating rituals of said creature. But the make-up on his hands kept wiping off during the deed, leaving big black smudges on the pale white bums of his female co-stars.

In the end, this was a laughable lark, though a bit rapey, that looked like someone had swinger friends that would be willing to go out in the woods for a day or so with a 16mm camera and fuck on film, under the pretext that they were looking for Bigfoot. Not high art in the slightest, but it’s also not the worst film in the set either so far (I’m only 5 films into it). Other films in the set deal with satanic cults, hauntings, possessions, witches, and more.

Bless Vinegar Syndrome for preserving and distributing stuff like this that would otherwise just vanish from existence or only be talked about in the tones of myths and legends. Just like Bigfoot.